Success, achievement, results…and the other

“In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail” *

In our culture, our upbringing, all around us, is the demand ‘to be successful’. What does this mean? Career progression? Salary and bonus? A bigger, better house, car, annual holiday? Job title? Number of customers or clients or children? Being busy? Being the provider?

The lines above come from Peter Gabriel’s song Don’t Give Up. Although I believe inspired by the Great Depression in USA, it was composed during the Thatcher years, a time of massive upheaval and change in large parts of the country in the name of defeating union power and fixing the economy. It was a time which privileged striving and collecting badges of success over compassion for those whose lives and livelihoods were consequentially upended.

We are expected to fight, to work all hours, to succeed. We pin our identities, and build our expectations and hopes, on these appearances. How often do we hear, for example, politicians utter words such as ‘working hard to…’, ‘straining every sinew to…’ or ‘hit the ground running’?

In the striving to succeed, we (are taught and expected to) ignore and suppress aspects of ourselves that are really important for our long-term well-being. We are taught to fight, to compete, to win in order to have happiness, yet all around us apparently successful lives fracture.  

A time can come when striving becomes a struggle; when things are not going so well, or when they appear to be but keeping going becomes harder and harder. Whether this is you somebody close to you in whom you are invested, you are impacted. All the while hiding, pretending, avoiding, putting on a brave face….’I’m fine.’

But you’re not.

When things really are not going so well, we begin to feel we are not keeping up, we are not meeting expectations, we are falling behind…we are not part of the club anymore. We lose connection with our tribe, not worthy to belong…be-long…be, even. We lose our sense of safety, joyfulness and play desert us, we feel we do not matter. These (and others) are primary, non-conscious emotional needs hard-wired in the evolutionary-more-ancient realms of our brains and nervous systems**.

The thing is, these emotional circuits are active all the time, but in order to strive, to perform, to win, to belong, we learn to ignore the messages they are sending us. We may habitually ignore pain, so we don’t stop. We may shun human connection so as not to appear ‘soft’. We may shun urges to keep safe in order to reach higher, longer, faster. And when these needs do  start insisting on making themselves felt, we may feel shame, guilt, rage or fear. 

There is nothing so lonely as to be struggling with these things while having to maintain appearances. We feel ourselves unworthy, we feel embarrassed. We may have close family and friends, yet we are loth to burden them with our suffering, and we fear feeling belittled. 

This is where having a person to talk to in whom you are not yourself invested but who can offer you non-judgemental and unconditional positive regard can make a huge difference. To be and to feel safe enough to express what is going on, to name what is going on, to be heard and allowed to cry – oh, what a blessed relief!

(References above come from *Gabriel, P. (1986): Don’t Give Up (feat. Kate Bush) from Gabriel, P. (1986). So, Charisma Records, and ** Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions New York: Oxford University Press.)